i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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