Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
