when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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