dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
