Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
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He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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