Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
