Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
