I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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