You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
