I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Can you bring me the toilet please
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
