I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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