my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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