Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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