Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
