the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
