my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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