What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
