My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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