you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
