I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
