Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i drank out of a bidet.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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