I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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