when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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