he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
