I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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