He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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