I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
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Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
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I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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