I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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