That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
