shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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