good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
