dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
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We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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