____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
