I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
