I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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