She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize