i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
