Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
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You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
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Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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