I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
