I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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