i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Randomize
