Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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