i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
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They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
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When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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