that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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