I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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