the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I didn't notice because vodka
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
