i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
