The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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