I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
