the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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