I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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