i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
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I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
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How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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