apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
