Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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