I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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